Jesus is the bad guy (JesusxJudas)
by Ohsama
Summary: Inspired by a writing prompt on reddit this is a fun? little one shot of a jesus x judas relationship if jesus had been the bad guy. No smut and barely any romance, it's just a dysfunctional relationship as seen in a few short scenes. The end leads back into canon Bible story.


"What the hell are you talking about now Ju? You fucking know I love you man but my father who art in heaven, you are so needy."

"I know." Judas replied, "It's just that you seem so much happier hanging out with Paul."

Jesus sat down against the wall with Judas. The market place was busy today and they were supposed to be recruiting but since the others had left them it had been non stop bickering. It was true with so many followers all swooning around Jesus all the time that he barely looked at Judas any more. The two sat there in silence for a while, each of them probably thinking about how they had been so happy before. What had happened?

"Hey," Jesus said turning to Judas with a wry smile on his face.

"What?"

"I'm gonna go and have fun. You stay here and... I don't know, try to get us a new recruit, we're running low on money and I can't magic up food for everyone you know." With that Jesus was gone and Judas was left with a few scrolls to read from in case anyone showed any interest. Judas had never recruited anyone before. Jesus told him it was the way he looked. Who would buy a story about salvation from someone looking like *him*?

Before Judas had even stood all the way up he heard shouts and screams from the other side of the market. That must be Jesus now, being flawless. That man had saved Judas' life with his story that anyone could get into heaven. He was too good for this world. A poof of smoke went up into the air and the ever-growing crowd around Jesus applauded. "That *was* my card!" He heard someone cry with delight.

Judas turned to leave the market and try his luck away from the distraction of that perfect man, and he walked straight into one of those centurions that was always causing trouble for the gang of Christians.

"Hey!" The soldier was so buff and armoured that Judas was physically pushed back by their collision. "Ah!" The soldier sneered when he saw the tell tale rags and scrolls of a follower of Jesus. "None of that preaching crap round here, mate, or I'll have to lock you away until Rome thinks this whole Christian thing isn't just a big scam. I know your type, just in it for the money." He prodded Judas in the chest so hard he was sure there would be bruises.

Jesus happened to look up from his entertaining of the crowd to see the soldier towering over Judas. He sighed in exasperation. "Hang on folks I'll be right back with some more genuine miracles, if you've got those genuine coins!" He marched over to Judas. How could such a useless man cause so much trouble? "What seems to be the problem, Mr Centurion, Sir?"

The soldier recoiled at the sight of Jesus. That guy had weird powers.

"Eh nothing. This shrimpy guy was showing me an attitude. You better sort him out." He turned to Judas and whispered, "You're lucky your master is here to save the day." And he turned and marched into the crowd of shoppers.

"What the fuck, Ju? I left you alone for one minute!"

"I'm sorry Jay I just bumped into him." Judas was almost crying he was having such a bad day.

"Don't start crying, man. That's the last thing I need. Come here." he grabbed Judas' shoulders and looked him in the eyes. "What do we want?"

"Money." Judas replied dutifully.

"Yes and we don't get it by standing around, or crying every time we see a Roman, do we?"

"No Jay, I'm sorry."

"Dude we're working have some professionalism."

"Sorry sir, no sir, I'm sorry sir."

"Yeah well just go and find Tom, I'm gonna get lunch with some of the guys."

"I mean I could use some lunch too, Jay I haven't eaten today."

"Look I'm sorry Ju It's a business thing. You get someone to give you money and you can have all the lunch you want, OK?" And then he was gone. Judas wondered if he really did just vanish when he left.

"Really?" Judas was so happy. His first recruit. A new Christian all thanks to him, Judas Iscariot. Jesus would be so proud of him.

"Yeah well I don't really have anything else going for me. To be honest I was gonna just..." The new Christian gestured a knife across his throat, "But eternal paradise sounds like it might be OK."

"Yeah, yeah it's totally great." Judas stuttered trying to read his scrolls. "There's this camel, no wait. I missed some stuff. OK so the catch is you can't go to heaven if you've got lots of money right? So if you just give whatever you've got, then you're set. It's so simple."

"Huh. Well I mean I've only got what's in my wallet. My wife kicked me out over a perfectly innocent misunderstanding involving the neighbour's ox."

"Yeah I don't need the details." The guy handed over a wallet with a full fifteen silver coins. This was enough for a week of lunches. Judas could feel his tummy rumble. "And that's it now I go to heaven?" The guy asked hopefully.

"Yeah that's it man you are in for an eternity of peace and happiness. I'll introduce you to Jesus, he's actually been there. Paradise, I mean. He can tell you what it's like."

"Oh no, no it's cool man." The guy said with a kind of glazed over look. "I'm getting in, that's good enough for me. Have a nice day I'm gonna go." And the man turned and ambled away. His step was so much lighter than before, Judas felt like he had really saved someone.

"Nice, Nice, Ju. This is a full wallet of coins. You didn't just steal this right?" Jesus raised an eyebrow at his hopeless follower.

"Oh no, no Jay I really recruited someone, but he didn't want to meet you. He said as long as he knew he was going to heaven he was happy."

"Well done babes You finally did it. Here you can buy whatever you want!" He handed the wallet back, but when Judas looked inside there was a single coin left. "I have plans for this other stuff. You really helped me out today I am proud of you."

Judas was so happy to hear those words that he didn't care about the money. He was going to go straight back to the market and buy a whole loaf of bread for himself. The sun was just about to set and the market was closing up when he got there. There was one loaf of bread still on the stall and that loaf had Judas' name all over it.

"You're just in time," the vendor said as Judas picked up the bread and absent mindedly handed over the coin. Seeing how skinny Judas' arm was coming out of his raggedy clothes, the vendor felt a pang of sympathy. "Tell you what, boy. It's a bit stale, we'll call it half price."

Judas Was walking back to the house Jesus and all the disciples were staying in at the moment, until the land lord kicked them out, and he started thinking about how he could send his left over change back home. His mother would finally know he was a success. Food and a roof and money to send home? He was living the life, and doing it all for his master who he loved so much.

The light and noise was pouring out of the house when Judas reached it. He had had such a good day and he didn't want it to be ruined by finding out how much better everyone else had done. He slowed his walk down and let the chatter of his fellow Christians wash over him. He felt for the first time like he was in their ranks and not their inferior.

As he was deeply lost in thought, the door opened and Jesus' favourite, Paul came out, looking a little too merry with a goblet of wine in his hand.

"Oh Judas! You're here!"

"Hey Paul" Judas said back with a fraction of the enthusiasm.

"Aren't you just the talk of the town, mister first recruit. Jesus said you bought us all the wine too, cheers."

"Oh did I? I.. I mean I guess I did." Judas felt angry for a second that Jesus had wasted his money like that, but he didn't know the story.

"Yeah man, Oh there was someone looking for you. A woman." Judas didn't know any women except for ones that Paul knew too. This seemed very odd.

"Oi!" It was the centurion from the day before. "I knew you were causing trouble." He marched up to Judas who was, again alone in the market while Jesus was off tending to a hangover.

"Your magic buddy isn't here to help you this time, shrimp."

"I didn't do anything!" Judas protested.

"Oh no? You didn't talk to a guy yesterday and take all his money with false promises?"

"Salvation for sinners is real.." Judas began defending his Messiah.

"For Jupiter's sake. He's dead, boy."

"Who?!" Judas asked but he knew really.

"Witnesses say you were the last person seen talking to him, you took all his money, and the next time anyone saw him he was dead."

The soldier grabbed Judas' hands behind his back and started marching with him towards Judas' didn't know where.

He was crying, he was so confused. He gave that man hope and happiness. What happened? Wasn't the good news good?

"Wait. Wait." He called to the soldier, who was a good foot taller than him. "Please wait." His mind was racing.

He did what Jesus told him to do. But Jesus just took his money. He said he loved him but he showered Paul with gifts and he got nothing.

Jesus met Judas at his worst and promised him a good life, but he had made him feel bad every day since then. If Judas had never listened, he could be something by now. That man would be alive. He just wanted to go home and there was only one way out of this mess.

"Jesus. I know him. You want to take him down. I can help you."

And the Soldier listened.


End file.
